This Week’s Horoscopes: Celestial Bodies Predict Future with No Evidence!

The world doesn’t make sense right now and you probably haven’t put on real pants since March—so why bother with “science” and “proof” when nothing seems to work anymore? It’s time to turn to a safe and secure way to predict your future using the method wholly endorsed by Whole Foods shoppers and the aunt who gives you crystals without consent. Find out how your monotonous days of quarantine may soon change below!

Aries— Maybe the real vaccine is the friends you make along the way.

Taurus— You will find yourself helplessly attracted to the brave man who wears shorts in the winter and tells everyone about it for five months.

Gemini— The truth can set you free, but it can also put you on the other side of a Shedd Aquarium tank.

Cancer— It’s all fun and games until those meddling kids uncover your scheme to overthrow the mayor in an off-brand Teletubby mask.

Leo— “Trick or Treat” takes on a new meaning when you mix laxatives into your candy bowl for a round of themed Russian roulette.

Virgo— You will need to step away from your online class for a moment after making sexy eye contact with a fellow classmate.

Libra— Practice self-care. This is a warning, not a request.

Scorpio— Upon learning what the other half of half-and-half milk is, you may decide to stop mixing it into your cocktails.

Sagittarius— It could be by a sniper, or by the hottie in your chem class, but either way, you will be taken out.

Capricorn—You will see your ex in the near future, but do not meet them with fear. Spread your arms to increase your size, maintain eye contact, show your teeth, and get ready to fight for the dominant alpha position.

Aquarius—  A large natural disaster will instantly be resolved after you post about it on your Instagram story to the three people who check it. Pisces—Mercury may be in retrograde, but make no mistake: you’re still a piece of shit.

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