Area Freshman Washes Laundry In Three Groups: Colors, Whites, Purple
“Sometimes while doing the wash, I’ll look in the machine and see the purples swirl; and I swear the shirts are taunting me, mocking my puny existence.”
Category Archives: No. 238
Racist Grandpa You Had One Conversation With Over Break Still Sending You Fox News Articles
“I saw it was from my grandpa, and I knew I had made a mistake when I mentioned my gender studies class to my family over the holidays.”
Morty to Pat Fitzgerald: Please Stop Throwing My Shoes Over Telephone Wires
In addition, sources in Schapiro’s office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
Fraternities Institute Honor System Where Pledges Haze Themselves
“We trust that you guys are responsible enough to spank yourselves with a paddle, so we’re not gonna check for bruises,” said fraternity president Jason Clover
Magician Who Pulled Quarter From Trump’s Ear Named New Treasury Secretary
“Given Duke’s ability to generate money from ears, combine two rings into one, and materialize rabbits from his hat, he is overqualified for the position.”
Area Freshman Deeply Relates to Lost, Chubby Squirrel Frantically Seeking Hibernation Spot
Hopefully we’ll come out of this quarter stronger, huh? And more well rested.
Student Back From Study Abroad Unaware Fall Quarter Was One Quarter He Could Have Smashed Crush
“I really enjoyed my quarter abroad in London. I grew as a person and learned a lot too,” Schuster said, not knowing that on October 20, 2017, he could have made hot love to Stanton in a fleeting moment of mutual passion that can never occur again.
Report: Tech Dangerously Underpopulated by Bees
“People should be very afraid. I haven’t seen a single bee in Tech at all the past few months. No bees in Tech means no honey in Tech. No honey in Tech is a catastrophe!”
Freshman Braces For Long, Brutal Season of People Complaining About Winter
“Everyone here says that the complaints I’ve heard back home are nothing compared to how much people complain during a real Chicago winter.”
White Allies Second-Guessing Decision to Dress Up for MLK Day
MertĂĽtis and Blomquist originally drew high praise from other white allies for being so progressive as to have a woman portray Martin Luther King.