Morty Plans Econ Professor Parade Down Sheridan Road
Morty will begin by sequestering all of NUPD (on and off duty) to blockade Sheridan from any traffic for one week before and after the parade
Author Archives: Turner Manley
Area Freshman Washes Laundry In Three Groups: Colors, Whites, Purple
“Sometimes while doing the wash, I’ll look in the machine and see the purples swirl; and I swear the shirts are taunting me, mocking my puny existence.”
Trump Proposes “Smushing” The Koreas Together To End Border Conflict
“Trump kept pushing his hands together, attempting to push two imaginary landmasses across an ethereal demilitarized zone; his face reportedly became increasingly purple as well.”
NU to Give Away Prozac And Panic Buttons in Lieu of Water Bottles This Year
“In years past, the water bottles were the perfect symbol for productivity and refreshment. But these days we count ourselves lucky not to contemplate our mortality every 5 seconds.”
Creative Writing Program Debuts New “Pensively Skipping Stones” Course
“We start each day by listening to Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ and ‘Yellow.’ Then we shuffle to the Lakefill with our heads pointed downward. Finally we pick up the slimmest of stones, muse on the mutability of existence, and ultimately launch the minerals into the vast unknown they call Lake Michigan.”
Op Ed: I Bought a Rice Cooker on “Free and For Sale”
When “Mary” eventually responded, I almost threw my computer out the window for the second time.
Area Freshman Loses Wildcard, Keeps Virginity
Schwartz promptly began asking each and every stranger, “Are you my Wildcard? Are you my Wildcard?” Still, Schwartz sustained his virginity, whilst being bereft of Wildcard.
Area Woman Drawn Like One of His French Girls
Inspired by some unknown ambition, she stripped stark nude, approached the stranger, and demanded, “Draw me like one of your French girls!”
Area Woman Forgets Trump Is President, Has 6 Solid Minutes of Peace
“Most mornings, I wake up, check my phone and see a CNN or BBC notification that Trump has gutted the EPA or said something was racist, but this morning was weirdly peaceful.”
Morty Down to Three Juice Boxes a Day
Many sources have speculated that this development will surely be good for Northwestern morale.