No. 98 | Northwestern Flipside

Category Archives: No. 98

McCormick Students Face Toughest Challenge Yet: Making Water Freeze

January 27, 2013 Min Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — Every quarter for their DTC projects, groups of McCormick students design various novel devices, from prosthetic arms to penguin feet. This quarter, one unlucky group has been given the most formidable challenge the engineering school has ever proposed: reopening the Norris Ice Rink. “We realize that this is a tough task,” said Mark Turner, a freshman civil engineer. “Even mother nature couldn’t get the ice rink open. That’s where engineering comes in.” The group of eager engineers are

Manti Te’o, Notre Dame Reveal God is a Hoax

January 26, 2013 Alex Finkelstein Leave a comment

SOUTH BEND, IN — It looks like Moses, Jesus, and Muhammad have some explaining to do. God does not exist, and an investigation launched by Notre Dame University on December 26th confirms the news. The investigation was initiated after there was no Christmas miracle and Manti Te’o failed to win the Heisman. All doubt was removed after the heathens from Alabama routed Notre Dame 42-10 in the BCS National Championship. According to coach Brian Kelly, “Nobody is watching over us,

[The Flipside Guide to the 2013 Oscars] Silver Linings Playbook & Life of Pi

January 25, 2013 Rachel Beal Leave a comment

With Oscar season in full swing, The Flipside is proud to present a summary of 2012’s most acclaimed films. Although we don’t have the budget to actually watch all the nominees, we are confident we can provide you with what you need to know to make it through the Academy Awards ceremony. Peruse our reviews of the other nominees: *Argo and Django Unchained *Zero Dark Thirty and Les Mis *Lincoln: Thoughts from a Northerner, a Southerner, and a Man Who

PARC Petitions ASG to Change Name of Parkes Hall

January 25, 2013 Min Lee Leave a comment

EVANSTON — After five clueless freshmen and about twenty equally clueless sorority recruits walked into the Public Affairs Residential College (PARC) thinking it was Parkes Hall, the residents of PARC have petitioned ASG to change the name of Parkes Hall. “It was sort of funny the first two times when freshmen entered our dorm looking for their classes in here, but it gets really annoying when strangers roam our dorm looking for classrooms that don’t exist because they don’t comprehend

Norris Officials Urge NHL to Further Delay Season for “Ice Maintenance”

January 24, 2013 Matt Clarkston Leave a comment

EVANSTON — After opening the lockout-shortened NHL season with the first set of games on Saturday, officials from the Norris University Center have sent an urgent plea to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to cancel more games, citing the need for “ice maintenance.” Norris issued a press release that stated, “Our ice-readiness experts have spent years studying the advanced science of what is frozen water and what is not. It is their belief from viewing the NHL’s Saturday games that these

Kafka Signs with Patriots, Team Becomes More Existential

January 24, 2013 Min Lee Leave a comment

NRA Lobbyist Forced to Undergo Background Check Before Purchasing Congressman

January 23, 2013 Andrew Schneider Leave a comment

WASHINGTON –- NRA lobbyist Jack O’Neal fumed yesterday upon learning that he would be forced to undergo an extensive background check and 5-day waiting period before purchasing a new Congressman. O’Neal, an avid collector of US representatives, claims to have purchased eight senators in the past, and proudly boasts that not a single one has been registered with the proper authorities. “I fuckin’ knew it!” O’Neal reportedly ranted to anyone in earshot. “I knew Obama was comin’ for my senators!

Norris Celebrates Forty Years, Definitely Not Jealous of Hypothetical Younger Student Center

January 23, 2013 Allison Ortega Leave a comment

EVANSTON — This year marks the 40th anniversary of Norris Student Center at Northwestern University. Though Norris is the undeniable hub for student activity on campus, talk of constructing a younger and more beautiful student center in a more central location has been gaining steam for the past few years. Even though these rumors reached Norris well before the 40th birthday celebration on January 15, staff members were still able to put on a brave face, saying, “A lot of

Kid Wearing Shorts Outside “Just Doesn’t Get That Cold”

January 22, 2013 Eric Vanchieri One comment

[The Flipside Guide to the 2013 Oscars] Zero Dark Thirty & Les Mis

January 22, 2013 Andrew Schneider One comment

With Oscar season in full swing, The Flipside is proud to present a summary of 2012’s most acclaimed films. While we aren’t making any award predictions just yet, we will be happy to take your money and place a bet for you. Peruse our reviews of the other nominees: *Argo and Django Unchained *Silver Linings Playbook and Life of Pi *Lincoln: Thoughts from a Northerner, a Southerner, and a Man Who Misheard the Title of the Film as LinkedIn *Amour,