Author Archives: Matt Clarkston

Jeff Skilling On Early Prison Release: “Well, That Was a Freebie”

HOUSTON, TX — Jeff Skilling, the former CEO of Enron, will have 10 years removed from his prison sentence for his role in the collapse of the Houston-based energy company. Skilling could be out of prison as soon as 2017, at which point he will have spent nearly 10 years in jail. After hearing the news of his early release, Mr. Skilling sat down with The Flipside for an interview. NF: What went through your mind when you heard about your

Alumnus Parent Says, “Well, When I Was Here,” For 56th Time During Wildcat Days

EVANSTON — Monday’s visit to campus for prospective student Adam Jarolds was highlighted by the merry musings of his father, Bill, a 1981 NU alumnus. The Grand Rapids, Michigan native spent hours regaling his son with stories of “his glory days” and his antics at “the good ole alma mater.” Between bites of breakfast, Mr. Jarolds recounted several of his college escapades, most notably “the time we lit a piano on fire and pushed it into the lake.” While his

Snooki, Chef Boyardee, and Pope Benedict XVI to Star in The Real World: Rome

ROME — Italian and international fans alike are buzzing with anticipation for the premier of MTV Italy’s The Real World: Rome. New housemates Snooki and Chef Boyardee were both eager to start their new adventure. Snooki described it, “Oh my GAWD, like, I am just super ready to get to the house and, like, go to the club, and just get totally wasted and smush some hot Italian gorllas, since baby Lorenzo is with my mom in Poughkeepsie and what

Norris Officials Urge NHL to Further Delay Season for “Ice Maintenance”

EVANSTON — After opening the lockout-shortened NHL season with the first set of games on Saturday, officials from the Norris University Center have sent an urgent plea to NHL commissioner Gary Bettman to cancel more games, citing the need for “ice maintenance.” Norris issued a press release that stated, “Our ice-readiness experts have spent years studying the advanced science of what is frozen water and what is not. It is their belief from viewing the NHL’s Saturday games that these

Performance Enhancing Drugs Sole Inductee to Baseball Hall of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY — Last Wednesday, the Baseball Writers’ Association of America made history by voting in the first non-human inductee to the Hall of Fame. “Performance Enhancing Drugs” (PED) was the only candidate to receive the needed 75% of the vote, ushering it into baseball’s most hallowed ground. PED built an impressive resume in its decades-long stint in the MLB, accounting for over 90,000 home runs, 325,000 RBI’s, 800 ‘roid rage tantrums, and 500 shrunken testicles before being forced into

Nation Glad To Go Back To Not Giving A Shit About Ohio

COLUMBUS, OH — After an eternity of acting like the state actually matters, Americans are relieved that they are once again able to completely disregard Ohio. Due to its electoral significance, pundits, candidates, and campaigns had descended on the cultural wasteland, attempting to woo the votes of disappointed Browns and Bengals fans in every county, and bringing it to the forefront of the media’s eye for the past several months. Privately, however, campaigns had expressed dissatisfaction with their Ohio operations.

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