Author Archives: Matt Clarkston

Facing Extinction, Last Remaining SESP Students Placed Into Protective Captivity

EVANSTON — Confronting ever-dwindling numbers, School of Education and Social Policy Dean Penelope Peterson decided on Friday to transfer all remaining students into sheltered habitats. Despite being the most transferred-into school at Northwestern, the number of SESP students has dropped to a dangerous low; experts say the rare breed is now critically endangered. The decision was spurred by widespread reports of legitimate colleges “poaching” SESP students. Northwestern ecologist and activist Brenda Grombel described the situation, “What these people do is

Debate Proves Candidates Will Argue About Seriously Anything

BOCA RATON, FL — At the third presidential debate at Lynn University, where the median student age is 75 years old, undecided voters finally had the opportunity to see just how far Governor Romney and President Obama will go to criticize each other. The two candidates were in top form as they displayed their ability to dispute literally anything. Romney and Obama sparred on topics such as the war in Afghanistan, relations with China, and the proper pronunciation of ‘tomato’,

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