Tag Archives: Court

Gwyneth Paltrow Wins Ski Trial, Proving That You Can Never Separate A White Woman From Her Snow 👃

After being accused of purposely running into a man while skiing, actress Gwyneth Paltrow was found innocent of wrongdoing this week, ensuring white women will always have the right to have snow up their nose. This decision comes after a furious legal battle in which the plaintiff claimed that his senses had been dulled after the collision, citing his inability to taste or smell wine. The plaintiff also stated that he could no longer participate in his other ā€œcultural activities,ā€

NU Students Sue University for Misuse of Word ā€œSpringā€

EVANSTONā€”In a press release issued late last week, a previously unknown coalition of Northwestern students from California and Florida announced that they would be suing the University for ā€œmisuse of the word ā€˜springā€™.ā€ This legal action comes after the discovery that weather during Spring Quarter was neither warm nor sunny. ā€œItā€™s just not fair,ā€ whined a member of the group who spoke to The Flipside on condition of anonymity. ā€œWhen I saw the words ā€˜Spring Quarter,ā€™ I assumed that it