Book Ban Takes Effect at Schoolhouse Rock

Famous for its groundbreaking junction of education, music, and, um, junctions, the iconic educational institute Schoolhouse Rock has come under fire for its recent book ban. The administration has begun removing a variety of books from shelves that they have deemed to be harmful to the student body, including To Kill a Mockingbird and “Lolly, Lolly, Lolly, Get Your LGBTQ+ Here.”

In a press conference on Tuesday, the Principal of Schoolhouse Rock, Dr. Justin A. Bill, stated, “Our children should be focused on the fundamentals of education: adjectives, checkbooks, and numbers 0 through 12, not including 1 or 10. And last time I checked, none of those topics are gay or colored—Oh, we don’t say that anymore? Now I guess you’ll want us to write a song about THAT, TOO, HUH?”

Multiple parents have pulled their children out of class at Schoolhouse Rock, some even filing lawsuits for violating the First Amendment. Ironically enough, the U.S. Constitution has been a staff member at the school since its foundation, gaining popularity with students for singing its iconic “Preamble Song.” Now, however, it has taken to only singing about the beauty of the Second Amendment. 

Not all Schoolhouse Rock educators are on board with the book ban. Science teacher Ms. Interplanet Janet has been very vocal in her dissent and has repeatedly vowed to keep both evolution and the existence of Pluto in her curriculum: “I mean, I’ve met the guy. I know he’s real.” Last week, several math teachers teamed up with the health department to perform a flash mob of the song “Three is a Magic Number” to promote inclusivity for tertiary numbers and polyamorous relationships. The higher-ups may be set on crushing educational freedom, but the regular faculty is committed to supporting their students, one three-minute animated Uncanny Valley-esque musical number at a time.

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