Op-Ed: How to Drive a Wedge Between Every Campus Couple So They Can All Be as Sad as You

I was walking down Sheridan staring at my GPS when I was deflected, careening into the road to avoid a couple holding hands. They were totally oblivious, completely blocking the sidewalk. Ridiculous! I thought to myself, Am I the only one with this problem? 

I conducted a completely unbiased poll sent exclusively to other lonely singles, and—sure enough—we have a scourge of couples on campus. 

I devised a few ideas that I hope will help eliminate this affliction: 

  1. Growl loudly when walking behind a couple holding hands. Dive into the bushes. Stalk your enemies until they scatter separately.

  2. Fearlessly walk straight between them. Assert your dominance by using their intertwined fingers as a jump rope.

  3. Suggest a “fun date” at a NU football game. The other team not only slaughters NU, but also everyone in the audience. It’s a communal social suicide—Romeo and Juliet style. The relationship ends nobly, in emotional death.

  4. Hire Chad Michael Murray to seduce them. The couple instantly falls in love. They attempt a throuple with Murray but get their hearts broken by the strain. So allured by Chad and no longer by each other, they splinter and each try to take him as their own. Unbeknownst to either, Chad enters a relationship with each of them. Chad keeps up the double-cross for the next five years until a climactic showdown at the altar. They are subjected to an eternity of a real-life soap opera.

  5. Suggest they get lunch at Mod Pizza. The kitchen runs out of dough and catches on fire. Everyone in Norris begins speaking in fluent Italian as they inhale the pizza dust. The scanner for dining dollars explodes. As they can now only speak Italian, the couple fills out transfer applications, but they get into different culinary schools. They attempt long-distance and fail. Couple over. Sabotage achieved.

  6. Hide all the condoms on campus to discourage sex. Abstinence worked for the South; it’ll work here. 

If we work together, we can achieve a campus free of love and connection as early as next quarter. Go forth, ye brave soldiers.

The Northwestern Flipside absolves itself of all responsibility for any personal injury lawsuits that result from these recommendations.

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