“You are what you eat, you know?” says Beremy Injoux.
Author Archives: Nathaniel Unger
Words cannot describe what I saw or felt in that moment. It was like someone had stabbed Hot Cheetos directly into my eyes—my brain—my soul.
From the Archives: Due to Spanish Flu, Dillo Day Will Once Again be Held Over the Radio Instead of In-Person
This is Hubert Parsley (class of ’20), speaking to you live on-air from the newly-repurposed Telegraph Room in Deering, Northwestern’s only library.
Ask Flippy: Do You Know A Guy Named “Spam Risk”? He Keeps Calling And I’ve Been Meaning To Ask If He Likes Me But I Don’t Wanna Be Weird
Spam Risk sounds kind of rugged. Smells like pine. Those two-syllable names really get me. Like… James Bond. Or Hugh Grant.
Local Supervillain Decides to Just Put Laser Tripwires in One Big Column in Bout of Anti-Gymnast Hatred
Rather than constructing a long hallway filled with laser tripwires pointed every which way, such that only the most skilled gymnasts can somersault their way through, Dr. Moodering has put all the lasers in one column, all pointing in a single direction. This makes it impossible for even the most limber of heroes to circumvent the lasers and is an offensive jab at the gymnastics community.
“It’s the art of movement, really,” said Professor Nana Splitt of the dance department, who will be co-teaching Interactive Epidemiology 101 with the biology department. “The dance of the virus from one to another. By mirroring the dance of the virus, our students will make peace with their own idiocy.”
Breaking: Little Paper Straw Wrapper Worm Things From When You Did That Thing with the Water from the Straw Now Sentient, Seeking Revenge and Dehydration
Area Man Has Only Two Dimensions, Cannot Interact With Space and Time As Intended, Ceases To Exist Immediately
“Why would something like this happen to someone so normal?”
Breaking: President Schapiro Allows First- and Second-Year Students to Visit Campus Once “As a Treat”
“All first- and second-year students can come visit campus once this winter, if they want,” said Schapiro. “You know, as a treat.”
“Both candy corn and its enjoyers have no taste, will show up uninvited at your Halloween parties and can, if so compelled, clog up your ear.”