NU Football Coach Forces Players to Attend Basketball Game to “See What Being Cheered for Looks Like”

With the dawn of winter has come the reign of long underwear, seasonal depression, existential crises, and, somehow, a surge of Northwestern school spirit. After a 3-game winning streak and a chance at March Madness, NU basketball has managed to inspire an energetic and packed student section that happens to include the infamous Football team, though no one recognized them at first.

The football team was sighted in the stands when one person pointed out the only row of students who never once got up to shout, boo, or dance for the big screen. Instead, they all appeared to be fighting back tears as they watched what it was like to have their fellow students rooting for a group of successful players, knowing they’ve never—and possibly will never—experience that glory.

According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump. At first, he feared there would never be a Northwestern sports team good enough to fuel his mission, but with the recent performance by NU basketball, he knew he had hit the jackpot.

Coach Fitzgerald hopes that by forcing his team to attend these high-turnout basketball games, they can see what it’s like to be sexy worshipped winners instead of pitied, forgettable, disastrous, embarrassing, and historically awful losers. He believes only extreme jealousy and self-hatred can get them to a winning season. Right now, Fitzgerald’s goal is just to at least get them to the self-hatred part. He’s confident that is doable.  

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