“In high school, I was lucky if my dad could remember my best friend’s name or what grade I was in. Now, we talk for hours on the phone about our favorite players on the team and he knows absolutely everything about them. It’s crazy!”
According to Northwestern’s football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
Studies show that this is the 7000thinstance in 2019 of a white man speaking on a topic with irrational confidence despite having little to no knowledge of said topic.
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
professional study group casters are saying this is Buchanan’s worst gaff yet since the botched “pull my finger” play in 2015
Sessions, when asked to show what he got, gladly demonstrated his “legendary” skills in a pick-up game at the newly re-segregated gym in the Robert F Kennedy Department of Justice Building.
“This isn’t what we’ve come to expect from the team. I’m really not sure how to explain it”, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the team’s current record of 16-4.
“Even though I often envy schools like North Carolina and Syracuse for their rich basketball traditions and tournament success this year, I also recognize the value of basic literacy.”
Law originally injured his labia over the summer during an overly passionate routine morning workout. Ever since then the injury has been gradually worsening, due to overuse of his labia.