Morty Threatens to Raise Tuition 3.6% for Every Game Basketball Team Loses
Northwestern Students across campus seem to agree that while the punishment is harsh, it’s the only way to get the basketball team to stop losing.
basketball
White Guy Mixes Up Basketball Players and Rappers Again
Studies show that this is the 7000thinstance in 2019 of a white man speaking on a topic with irrational confidence despite having little to no knowledge of said topic.
NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus
Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”
Junior About to Miss Throwing Trash into Garbage Can: “Kobe!”
professional study group casters are saying this is Buchanan’s worst gaff yet since the botched “pull my finger” play in 2015
Jeff Sessions a Baller on the Segregated Basketball Court
Sessions, when asked to show what he got, gladly demonstrated his “legendary” skills in a pick-up game at the newly re-segregated gym in the Robert F Kennedy Department of Justice Building.
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
“This isn’t what we’ve come to expect from the team. I’m really not sure how to explain it”, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the team’s current record of 16-4.
NU Basketball on UNC-Villanova Match-up: At Least We Can Read
“Even though I often envy schools like North Carolina and Syracuse for their rich basketball traditions and tournament success this year, I also recognize the value of basic literacy.”
Vic Law Suffers Torn Labia, Out for Season
Law originally injured his labia over the summer during an overly passionate routine morning workout. Ever since then the injury has been gradually worsening, due to overuse of his labia.
[Denial Issue] NU Sports: A Year in Review
I was heartbroken when we were robbed from a chance at a bowl game (I thought being such a big contender in the Big 10 would at least get us SOMETHING) but at least we won the Land of Lincoln trophy!
Basketball Coach Chris Collins Inducted into Northwestern Hall of Fame
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”