Next time you get a friend’s husband to cheat on her with you, perhaps try not writing about “Steve’s mind-blowing oral” on your sexual health blog.
With early decision deadlines looming, Jacob Weinberg Schapiro Ryan Fieldhouse McWilliecat VII, an 8th generation legacy, simply spat on his Northwestern University application, causing him to be accepted immediately. Admissions officers were amazed, calling McWilliecat’s application “original”, “highly personal”, and “phlegmy”. “You really can’t get more unique than Jacob’s application,” said Leah Gascoigne, head of admissions. “Here we were, holding a physical part of Jacob. We really got a good idea of who he was, and immediately admitted him; even
“All we know is we have a sombrero-wearing pineapple-duck who looks like he stuck a fork in a light socket. Maybe we’ll never know the full story.”
“Danger: Live Munitions and the Perfect Facebook Cover Ahead.”
“This fifty-six-year-old spring chicken thinks he can walk in and take my title of academic with shittiest opinions on campus?”
“Look, it’s just a bit of bad luck, but when the water level’s low, you know the tidal wave is coming soon. We just need like $500 spotted and this club will pay out, guaranteed,” reported club president and failing statistics major, Bobby Fletcher.
After months of the budget crisis plaguing the university, Northwestern President Morton Shapiro issued a desperate message to investors not to worry because “In Shapiro-Bucks, we’re fine!”.
The Ukulele Club has been at the center of controversy beyond the mysterious disappearances of small animals during renditions of “Lucky.”
“After pumping hundreds of thousands of dollars into the Bait Unicycle program, it remains to be proven that it has caught one person trying to steal a dweeb-mobile.”
Are you aware of how hot the tech and engineering industry is these days? I’m going to be working with an ancient, gasoline-guzzling, rusty push mower that my parents have refused to replace since the early 2000s.