NU Hires Sister Jean Away from Loyola with Promise of Celibate Campus

At Welsh-Ryan arena today, Northwestern Athletics announced its hiring of Loyola University’s Sister Jean to be the basketball team chaplain with the promise of a thoroughly sexless, celibate campus community.

“After witnessing Loyola’s run to the Final Four, we just knew that Sister Jean and her Jesuit lifestyle would be a great fit at a school that regularly sacrifices bodily vices like sex for greater knowledge,” Athletic Director Jim Phillips said at the introductory press conference.

After Phillips’ remarks, Sister Jean expressed her excitement about her new job, noting that the similarities between Catholic moral teaching and Northwestern campus culture go beyond just celibacy.

“During finals week every quarter, Northwestern’s student body comes together in an amazing display of prayer and spirituality,” the 98-year-old nun told reporters. “Outside of my convent, NU might just be the most pious place I’ve ever seen, and that’s why I wanted to help guide the Wildcats to victory on the basketball court.”

Emerging reports indicate that as part of Sister Jean’s contract, “Northwestern Sex Week” will be officially renamed “Northwestern Fornication-is-a-sin Week.”

About the Author

Michael Miller
Michael Miller is a graduate of the Culinary Institute of America, where he wrote a thesis on the merits of Dippin' Dots. It was wildly unpopular in the scientific community, as most readers preferred Fro-Yo. He enjoys salad with grapes, but without the salad parts, and the grapes are fermented. He enjoys glasses of wine. The most shocking part of Michael's life is that he is an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan. Michael hopes to one day open a Dippin' Dots stand in Busch Stadium sot hat he can provide The Ice Cream of the Future to his brothers in red.

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