Suspicious Alligator-Shaped Crate Arrives on Fraternity Doorstep
“It could be booze. Or girls. I’m not sure how to identify other types of stuff.”
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Area Man’s First Words “Midterms, Fuck” After Waking from 2 Week Coma
The 30-year-old nurse at Evanston Hospital who had responded to the patient’s question, described the events as “nothing like I have ever seen before.”
Econ Major Relies on ‘Invisible Hand’ to Choose Apartment
“Given the counterintuitive nature of economic forces—and how they seem to be a reasonable substitute for proactive decision making at the Cato Institute—I’m bound to get a good place.”
Area Freshman Still Not Sure Why Nancy M Cunniff Keeps Emailing Her
Freshman Savannah Grant told reporters she has been receiving unsolicited e-mails from a mysterious ListServ for over four months now.
Librarian Judging You as You Miss WildCard Scanner
“Any more than a couple swipes and I immediately value you less as a human being. I’m kind’ve ruthless.”
Swiper Joins Tinder, Morally Conflicted
A tiny Dora sporting devil horns appeared over his right shoulder, chanting “Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping. SWIPER, NO SWIPING!”
Trump Sees Widespread Protests, Resigns
“Trump has always been a very sensitive soul and he has always cared very deeply for the opinion of the American people.”
Northwestern Basketball Finally Relevant Enough to Disappoint
“This isn’t what we’ve come to expect from the team. I’m really not sure how to explain it”, said head coach Chris Collins, visibly perplexed by the team’s current record of 16-4.
Women’s March to Conveniently End at Neiman Marcus
“Many of us have returns in our trunks and they’re having a great sale—20% off to accommodate the 20% less we get on our paychecks.”