WASHINGTON DC—Early in the morning light, a sleepy Vice President Pence allegedly phoned Kellyanne Conway to break the news: He had awoken to learn that the presidential bed was empty, save a tastefully sealed resignation letter resting on the sheets. “It is with great solemnity that I now announce,” Pence spoke to a small crowd of cabinet members and nominees, “that Trump, seeing the widespread protests, has resigned under the cover of night.” Betsy Devos and Rex Tillerson were both heard sobbing in the background.
Hesitant to break with tradition, Ms. Conway, dressed in black, again appeared on CNN to explain what Trump had done this time. “Trump has always been a very sensitive soul and he has always cared very deeply for the opinion of the American people,” she explained. “Ever since he began the campaign, he has faced mean comments about his wonderfully proportioned hands, his great business ventures and his fashionable hair. Now, seeing these protests and being rejected by millions of women simultaneously, Trump felt the only thing left to resign, climb out of the White House window and wander wherever the night takes him.”
“It is with great honor that I, Donald J. Trump, host of Celebrity Apprentice, have served the Office of the Presidency,” Pence voiced as he read the resignation letter. “But I have seen the tremendous protests erupting after my inauguration and have truly been humbled by the American people. Goodbye forever, and know that I will always love you.”
The letter has also sent shockwaves across the protests, with the majority of Americans saying, “Huh, I can’t believe that actually worked.”
At press time, Trump has announced that he is not completely broken up and plans to start up a new Celebrity Steakhouse in Moscow. “It’s going to be huge,” Trump stated.