According to Northwesternâs football coach, this torture was deliberate. During the off-season, he has turned to emotional tactics to try and get the Northwestern football team out of their slump.
The bitter rivalry between Northwestern and Ohio State fans sparked by the Big Ten Championship Game this Saturday came to a surprisingly peaceful conclusion at a local tailgate with the help of a Hoosier classic. When Northwestern football fan, Bill Werner, initially crashed the tailgate, it appeared relatively ordinary. âI wandered into a backyard and started eating the nearest hot dog,â said Werner. âNext thing I knew, the meth pipe was in my hand.â âThe Northwestern fans started out chanting
In addition, sources in Schapiroâs office claim that the university president asked Fitzgerald to stop giving him wet willies, Indian burns, titty twisters, and swirlies.
“I needed to find a way to make sure we won games,â Fitzgerald said, âand then it hit me, what would happen if we just got some points up on the board, and lo-and-behold, here we are today!â
This year Ryan Fieldâs atmosphere will be quite different as fans will have little to no confidence in the team as it heads into the difficult part of its schedule.
Tears were shed as the hero of the day approached the microphone for a speech. Patricia Telles-Irvin was spotted comforting Pat Fitzgerald, softly purring, “There, there. Who needs the Big Ten? You got Maine and that was good!”
“There is no meaning or hope in this universe devoid of stability, sacredness, and our best two players,” said Fitzgerald. “There is only the inevitability of misplaced anticipation and false prospect colliding headfirst with the reality of despair and inevitable defeat.”
As the only satirical newspaper on campus, The Northwestern Flipside feels proud (and obligated) to nominate its first annual Homecoming Court and recognize the most notable members of the Northwestern and surrounding Evanston community.
“[T]he legacy of Northwestern football will no longer be defined by mediocre success but rather by the monstrosities of one manâs actions.”
EVANSTONâAfter enduring four grueling consecutive losses, Northwestern students and fans everywhere are finding it difficult to keep their spirits up. However, it was recently discovered that head coach Pat Fitzgerald has offered head coach of Penn State University Joe Paterno an irresistible bribe to secure a win this coming Saturday for the homecoming game. âI offered him season tickets to see us âCats play next year. I figured it was an experience he couldnât otherwise get and one that most