Mother Earth and Father Winter Charged with Child Abuse
Author Archives: Alex N. Gordon
Dunkin’ Donuts Violates Northwestern’s Academic Mission
This Dunkin’ Donuts is a diversion from, and therefore an insult to, John Evans’s dream of an uplifting Methodist education. It is a slap in the face to Robert R. McCormick; it is an obscenity against Henry Bienen; it is an open mockery of Joseph Medill.
American Students Behind in Topology and Quantum Chemistry
The report noted that “fewer American children than ever before can solve a problem like those typically found in the textbook of a standard graduate-level course in mathematics or chemistry.”
Northwestern Currently Engaged in Cover-Up Which Will Affect You in 10 Years
“We’re not bad people and we didn’t start this,” said a high-ranking Northwestern faculty member who the reporters of 2024 will agree was a bad person who started the scandal.
Here’s How We Fix Northwestern Football, Part One: Ryan Field
Ryan Field’s location doesn’t make a lick of sense. What the hell, guys!?! We say we’re Chicago’s Big Ten team, and then we put our games in fucking Evanston. Huh?
Northwestern University Wins Hearts and Minds of Illinois
“The annual game between Northwestern University and the University of Illinois is one of the greatest traditions in the whole state,” said Emma Martinez, Emeritus Professor of Illinois Studies at the University of Notre Dame.
Northwestern University Football Team Loses Game
While the Northwestern team repeatedly threw the ball very far and oftentimes ran with it after making these very far throws, the other team was able to more effectively perform a similar sequence of throwing, catching, and running with the football.
University Not Sure If It Should Be Proud of Having “58th Nicest Student Body”
“At the very least, it feels good to have a ranking in which we beat those assholes at Penn,” said Isiah Miller, a junior in the Medill School of Journalism, who was rejected from the University of Pennsylvania when applying to colleges.
Chief Keef Oversleeps, Misses Deadline for ED Northwestern Application
The rapper had completed his essays for the application a week prior to the deadline, but had refrained from submitting his application until Friday night, as he hoped to perform one final check for incorrect spelling and grammar.
I Have a Bone to Pick With You, Northwestern
Guest contributor John Evans has some choice words for those who’d tarnish his legacy by remembering all those things he did.