Category Archives: No. 399

I Came From The Streets: A Study Of Asphalt Fetishes

All across the world, itā€™s not that unusual for some people to have strange fetishes. Feet, hybristophilia, lactophilia, even coprophilia. Of course, whatever gets your socks off and gets you turned on really isnā€™t anybody elseā€™s business. However, recently a phenomenon has been sweeping cities across America: asphalt fetishes. ā€œI Came From The Streetsā€ — a breakdown of tarphelia. Signs of the modern fetish first began appearing in America in the 1930s when many roads began to be paved as

Ask Flippy: The Doctor Said My Joints are Messed Up. How Do I Show this Clown I Roll the Best?

Dear Flippy, Last week I went to the doctor for a long-overdue checkup (Iā€™m United Healthcare and figured they probably wouldnā€™t want to deny my claim). Overall, Iā€™m in good health! My blood pressure is down to 170/100, and my doctor said my weight is in the 95th percentile for my heightā€“which means lower than 95% of the population. How could he tell Iā€™d been dieting? Thereā€™s just one problem: He said he was worried about my joints. Something about

Gulf of America this, Gulf of Mexico that, what about the Massive Gulf that Exists Between us ever since I Showed you my Hyper-Realistic Doll Collection?

I really thought I could be loved for who I was, but I was a fool because if you canā€™t handle my hyper-realistic doll collection, youā€™re not ready for the real me. Because the real me needs you to be okay with the five hours I need everyday to perform a seance with my porcelain dolls made with real human hair.