Congress Gridlock Actually Due To Groundhog Day Time Loop
WASHINGTON — House Republicans, Senate Democrats, President Obama, and even the guy who operates the coffee stand at the foot of Capitol Hill all made a startling and simultaneous discovery this past week—the nation is caught in a time loop in which we are perpetually on the brink of government shutdown and debt default.
“I feel like we’re always talking about the debt ceiling and budget,” said Rep. Larry Bucshon (R-Indiana). “Is anyone else getting major déjà vu here?”
Many Senate Democrats, including Majority Leader Sen. Harry Reid (D-Nevada), have reported that despite repeated attempts to kill themselves using a toaster in the bathtub, they all continue to wake up each day in the same legislative nightmare.
On the other hand, Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) — who famously voted “yes” to cut off debate on a bill to keep the government open without defunding Obamacare after spending 21 hours saying exactly the opposite — says he is actually glad the time loop has not yet been broken since it may be the only mechanism preventing a total government shutdown.
“I spend all my time telling people we need less federal government,” said Sen. Cruz. “We wouldn’t want to, you know, accidentally shut it down and remind the American people how much they actually need it.”
“It makes perfect sense,” President Obama commented about the time loop at a press conference on Thursday. “And now that I know being stuck in partisan gridlock isn’t going to change anything, I’ve devoted my time to the finer things in life, like learning ice sculpture, French, and jazz piano.”
In other news, House Speaker Rep. John Boehner (R-Ohio) just revealed he has been waking up to Sonny & Cher’s “I Got You Babe” every day for the last two years.