No. 118

President Schapiro Announces Reelection Campaign

Schapiro warned that the campaign would not be easy. “There are certain to be challengers funded by special interest groups and a capella musicians, if you can call that ‘music.’ There are certain to be vicious ads taped to the sidewalk which will remain long after the campaign is done.”

Freshman Girl Falls into Sweat-Induced Coma at Frat Party

“When we got to the house she kept complaining about how hot and crowded it was. She even took off her monogrammed J.Crew cardi and draped it over her shoulders, even though I told her it made her look like a DAR member,” said the girl’s roommate.