REPORT: $2 Hotdogs More Likely to Cause Cancer than Cure It
EVANSTON – According to a recent study completed by Northwestern’s Feinberg School of Medicine, EAPi’s annual philanthropic “Dog Days” hotdog sales are more likely to cause cancer than cure it. The study, authored by Dr. Kevin Fisher, stunned the medical community by hypothesizing a correlation between consumption of pork by-product and negative health effects, regardless of any charitable intent behind consuming said pork by-product.
In response to the study, Northwestern’s EAPi chapter has promised to tone down their aggressive marketing.
“I WILL DIE IF YOU DON’T PURCHASE A HOT DOG,” EAPi brother Zach Goodman yelled at passersby the next day, showing admirable restraint.
By 1:15PM, Goodman had successfully guilted 36 Northwestern students into purchasing a wrinkled, overcooked cylinder generously described as “meat.” Bienen Junior Kylee Dunner was one of these unfortunate souls.
By 2:15PM, the partially digested hotdog would begin to react with Dunner’s upper intestine tissue, beginning the decades-long process of abnormal cell proliferation and metastasis. Dunner’s $2 contribution to cancer research would cover approximately 0.0000003% of the cost to develop a treatment for her illness.
“The worst part is, I already had lunch waiting for me at my apartment,” Dunner sighed. “This happens every spring.”
Dunner then popped open the lid of the Diet Coke she had purchased with her hotdog. Taking a deep swig, Dunner effectively doubled the cost of her future chemotherapy treatment.
Having successfully enlightened the Northwestern community on the danger of Dog Days, Dr. Fisher noted that he was preparing a new bombshell report— “Project Cookie Exposed: You’ll Pay For Eating That Sooner Than You Think.”