EVANSTON—After his defeat in Wednesday’s vital ASG election, certain facts about Claire’s opponent have come to light concerning his true agenda. Alessio Manti, long thought to be striving for a piece of the political pie, is in actuality a simple vendor of incandescent lights, as evidenced by his most prominent campaign icon, an “A” inside one of the devices.
However, thanks to an overeager student body and his deep, sonorous voice easily confusable with that of a politician, he was all-too-swiftly placed along the pedestal of “candidate”. This can also be attributed to the long-standing tradition of keeping the voters as unaware as possible about the actual campaign issues at hand; preferring instead the “tactic” of plastering the candidates names everywhere with the hope that people would make a non-existent connection.
Sadly, most people only saw the light bulb and thought it was a metaphor. In fact, the logo’s message was intended to be much more blunt: he only wanted to increase sales. Perhaps if Alessio cast some light on where he really stood about how many sales he wanted to make, the types of lighting he could have provided, and how his new AllesiBulbs can eliminate the beer-goggle effect, he would have won over the hearts and minds of more students. As it stands, however, when The Flipside tried to question him on the issues, Alessio declined to comment. Upon further irritating him with light bulb puns, this reporter was forcibly launched from the audience. Perhaps Claire can clear up the question about why my current lighting situation also doubles as a “fire hazard”, but at the moment, we are all, as a student body, left in the dark without Alessio’s bright, shining future.