EVANSTON—Enraged and confused, Ernie Dinkelberg, 38, told Flipside reporters on Monday that he is still frantically searching for an application to Hogwarts.
Dinkelberg, who proudly admitted to having read the Harry Potter saga 47 times, said that although he has pored over the series meticulously, he has resigned himself to the fact that J.K. Rowling never mentions where or when to obtain and submit applications.
“Do I know how to make the perfect Polyjuice Potion? Yes. Do I know how kill an adversarial wizard with an Unforgivable Curse without opening my mouth? Yes. I know Hogwarts is the school for me. I just have to apply,” said Dinkelberg.
Myrna Dinkelberg, Ernie’s mother, said that she is concerned about Ernie, but hopes he soon finds what he’s looking for.
“I’d rather have him in that Hogfarts place than in my basement, you know what I mean?” said Mrs. Dinkelberg. “I just want that loser out of my house.”
Ernie Dinkelberg has taken to waiting by his mailbox for 18-hour periods seven days a week, periodically opening the mail slot and peering inside.
“He needs to get a job,” said Mrs. Dinkelberg.
“The dude’s insane, man,” said Brett Miller, a neighbor of Dinkelberg. “Sometimes, just to screw with him, I’ll, like, leaves sticks and rocks in his mailbox and watch him freak!”
“It’s just like messing with my guinea pig, except way more awesome,” Miller added, while slowly rolling the “most epic fatty this side of the Mississippi,” officials confirmed.
“I just don’t understand,” said Dinkelberg, absently stroking the neck of his battered copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. “The Ministry of Magic has left several wands and sorcerer’s stones in my mailbox, obviously trying to hint they want me at their educational establishment. I just wish they’d be more specific about the application procedure.”
Dinkelberg said he understands that Hogwarts isn’t for everyone, and is determined to show his persistence and dedication to the school by continuing his search for an application.
“The kid is an idiot,” Mrs Dinkelberg noted, after downing her 7th shot of whiskey. “Why me? That’s what I’m curious about.”
Although he has yet to make any sort of progress whatsoever, Dinkelberg remains steadfast in his commitment to the school.
“People try to tell me that Hogwarts isn’t real,” said Dinkelberg. “But then I just tell them about Harry’s story. It’s an adventure so pure and mystifying—you can’t just make that stuff up, you know?”