Northwestern to Retire John Paul Stevens’ Number

EVANSTON—Due to a dearth of athletic achievement at Northwestern, the University has decided to hang a banner in honor of retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. Justice Stevens attended Northwestern Law School before making it all the way to the Supreme Court. The banner will feature the number of cases he participated in below his last name.

One of the more famous cases he presided over was Row v. Wade, in which he ruled that women have the right to choose when to terminate the wading process and start rowing during interscholastic crew races.

Although banners are usually reserved for accomplishments on the athletic field, the University was willing to make an exception in this special case. According to President Schapiro, “We are honored to commemorate the historic achievements of Justice Stevens in his time on the court. There is a lot to be said for doing well on the court that our athletic teams could definitely take to heart. Besides, it will be a nice change of pace from those women’s lacrosse banners. They just get old after a while.”

He then added, “The way Justice Stevens was able to provide the court with doses of conservatism liberally but yet conserve his liberalism even approaching the end of his tenure was extraordinary.”

Student reaction has been relatively ambivalent to the news. Said one engineering student, “John Stevens? Is he that kid in my mathematics class?”

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