New York Marathon Longer than Chicago Marathon, Says New Yorker

CHICAGO – On Saturday, 20,000 athletes ran in the Chicago Marathon including 500 participants from New York. The event, according to city officials, was as successful as the combination of a hot dog, pickle, relish, onions, mustard, sweet peppers and a little celery salt. Nobody from New York agreed.

“Where the fuck was Central Park?” asked 26-year-old Tony “The Tony” Margarita. “And why the hell did they not give out cigarettes at the water station?”

“Fuck your mother,” he added.

Other New Yorkers complained about the modest times most Midwesterners ran. Several felt they received way too much elbow room, that it was uncomfortable to have people actually looking in their direction, and that the race was not as long as the New York Marathon.

Some people, including Milos Antic, the first place finisher from Africa, were happy the New Yorkers were there.

“Having so many New Yorkers in the race motivated me to run faster because I wanted to get as far away from them as possible,” said Antic in a phone interview. He did not have time to be interviewed in person as he was on his way to his second marathon of the day.

Chicago Marathon officials promise that they will try to be more accommodating to New Yorkers for the 2012 Marathon by sending them down narrower streets, raising the entrance fee, and hiring actors wearing Red Sox hats to fall behind them at every stage of the race.

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