[Tabloid Issue] PTI Successfully Discovers Student Affair

EVANSTON — A night of fiery passion resulted in a triumph for one woman and endless grief for another. Steamy photos surfaced on Sunday of bodacious McCormick senior Penny Tyler-Ingram, leaving no doubt that she is cheating on her husband. Patricia Telles-Irvin (PTI), Northwestern University’s Vice President of Student Affairs, rejoiced in finally giving meaning to her job by unearthing her first real student affair happening on Northwestern’s campus.

“McCormick senior Penny Tyler-Ingram, the wife of Bienen senior Patrick Tyler-Ingram, was discovered to be engaging in extramarital intercourse with Bienen junior Philip Timothy Iler,” announced the press statement from Telles-Irvin.

The racy pictures were allegedly taken by Peter Thompson III, an employee of the Division of Student Affairs. Student Affairs has been maintaining surveillance on every married Northwestern student since PTI’s hiring in 2011. This is the first affair uncovered in the history of the division.

Patrick Tyler-Ingram spilled his emotions to The Flipside in an exclusive interview yesterday. “I’m just so heartbroken. Penny and I had such a good thing going. I guess I’ll just go have revenge sex with Paula Teresa Ickman.”

Patricia Telles-Irvin refused to comment, only disclosing that later this week students will receive an email on how to prevent student affairs.

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