An urgent message from Flipside staff writer Jordan Villanueva
EVANSTON — What started with a simple power-line flicker in the early morning hours of Sunday, January 5 escalated into full-scale madness in 1835 Hinman. The Hinman Hunger Games, as residents are calling it, have claimed sixteen lives so far and the death toll is only rising.
Once the lights went out in their bedrooms, brave residents ventured out and soon found that the whole building was, in fact, without power. Temperatures outside plunged below zero, the basement began to flood, and it soon seemed that armageddon had descended on the Shit-Hole of the South. Suite-mates initially huddled together for warmth, but one by one their cell phones started dying. Without the mental escape of a 2×3” backlit screen, residents were forced to verbally communicate with one another. Anxiety grew, tempers flared, and everyone waited for the first person to snap.
First to die was Weinberg freshman Will Jacobs. A band of warriors from the fourth floor made it to the second, where they invaded Jacobs’s room. He was found beaten beyond recognition, his pantry emptied of Honey Buns.
As the madness spread, several more were killed, including Julie, the elderly woman who runs the C-Store. Julie’s last words were “I hope you got your card, ‘cuz I already closed up the cash drawer for the night.”
One week later, the power is back on but the savagery hasn’t stopped. Kills are made daily, and food is scarce. Earlier today I watched as my former best friend, Michael Benz, was stabbed over a bowl of Yaki-Soba instant noodles. I wept.
Please help. Stop the madness. President Schapiro and the Evanston Capitol must fall. Their corruption cannot continue to deprive us of natural resources like electricity, text messaging, and Snapchat. I wear my MockingWildcat pin proudly in defiance, and so should you. I call on you, Northwestern, to rise up.
UPDATE: the author of this article has been found dead amidst smashed cans of pears and empty vitamin bottles. Cause of death: two stab wounds to the throat.