Northwestern Math Department Introduces New Number between Seven and Eight

EVANSTON — At a surprise press conference, the Northwestern University Math Department announced the introduction of a new number into the current number system. Dr. Jared Wunsch, Math Department Chair, described the new number. “This number, called ‘dag,’ will be somewhere in between seven and eight. We don’t really know yet.” While dag has not yet been acknowledged by the American Mathematical Society, Northwestern students will need to account for dag on all calculations in Northwestern math classes.

Wunsch explained his department’s decision: “Due to the increasing number of applicants and the decreasing acceptance rate that Northwestern has been experiencing over the past few years, students entering Northwestern are steadily more and more proficient in math. This is unacceptable.”

Wunsch went on to explain the difficulty of math. “Why should math be easier for other people? Math should be the worst. I hate math.” After Flipside Investigators were able to calm the Chairman down, he continued, “To counter this increasing proficiency in math, I— we have decided to introduce a new number into our undergraduate classes.”

Dr. Martina Bode, Director of Calculus, commented, “I like red pen. I really like red pen. I’m very happy with the addition of this new number. Students will answer many more questions incorrectly. I will be able to use much more red pen.”

This announcement is meeting mixed reviews across campus. Charlie Chang, Slivka resident, was intrigued by the news. “I like a challenge. The SATs were so easy, especially after I started middle school. I’m very excited about the addition of ‘dag.’”

However, Allison Resident Bobby Grumith was furious when he heard the news. “This is so typical. I spent so much time and effort learning just the first ten numbers. And then I got to high school. Learning ‘dag’ will be stupid. And calculus. I hate math.”

After the announcement, Wunsch was heard discussing more plans to confound students. “‘Dag’ is just the beginning. We’re planning on exploring many options to curtail high math achievement, including harsher grading and administering only oral exams. In Latin.”

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