EVANSTON — Northwestern University Anti-Career Services issued a press release Tuesday that included instructions on how not to further one’s career. According to the statement, “In this day and age, students are subject to immense amounts of pressure to get a good job and make a lot of money. It’s our job to counter this ridiculous notion. To that end, we are urging all undergraduate students to watch at least eleven hours of Netflix per day.”
The Northwestern Anti-Career Services office was founded seven years ago in response to the increasing prevalence of pre-professionalism. Since then, it has grown into one of the largest offices on campus, employing many students to accomplish the goal of keeping students unemployed.
Park Mesnell, Executive Director for University Anti-Career Services was adamant about his office’s position on the matter. “I can’t believe the number of people that attend job fairs. Don’t these people have something better to do than waste away their lives by getting jobs? It makes me sick.”
Mesnell’s office has been working hard to alleviate the problem. “Up until last year, students at Northwestern had access to a service called NUTV, which brought cable TV to students on campus. Last year, however, Northwestern decided to terminate this program.”
Mesnell described how this termination at first hampered his department’s goals, and continued, “Our office now sees an opportunity here, and we have been advocating purchasing a Netflix subscription for every NU student to replace NUTV replacement.”
When asked if this was the only move that the department recommended to curtail the unacceptable levels of pre-professionalism on Northwestern’s campus, Mesnell responded, “Meeting your daily Netflix quota of eleven-plus hours is only the first step on the road to recovery. We recommend consuming between four and seventy-two family size bags of Cheetos per week. Additionally, students are strongly encouraged to meet the standard consumption of at least four sleeves of Oreos per hour.”
Jodi Smithens, Communications sophomore and Allison resident, was shocked when she heard the news. “I can’t believe this announcement. That Mesnell guy’s attitude toward students is ridiculous. I can’t believe he would have the audacity to insinuate that we don’t already watch at least eleven hours of Netflix a day. And I passed the ‘four-sleeves-an-hour’ mark long ago.”
When confronted about the many activist groups that promote healthy eating and being active, Mesnell quickly responded, “I hate those groups. Always telling people to exercise and get off the couch. Revolting. To fully counter pre-professionalism, we recommend that students not leave their couch for any reason, ever.”
The interview with Mesnell was cut short when he informed us that he had only watched five hours of Netflix that day and was gravely behind.