Latest in ‘Personal Bubble’ Epidemic: Pennsylvania Outlaws Rubbing Pregnant Bellies

HARRISBURG, PA — To the chagrin of unborn fetuses everywhere, touching a pregnant woman’s stomach is now a crime in the state of Pennsylvania. The passing of this bill is only the latest in a series of laws aimed at protecting the personal bubble of every individual. The Flipside took the liberty of compiling this list of things that you probably shouldn’t do in certain states.

  • Rubbing a bald man’s head — Hawaii — No matter how much good luck the simple rub might bring, the pilgarlic of Hawaii often complain of chafing and the introduction of foreign oils to the scalp.
  • Hugging family members at a funeral — Oregon — The condition of being surrounded with the comforting arms of a trusted relative creates unpleasant feelings of familial camaraderie unacceptable to the general populace.
  • A man putting his arm around a woman in a movie theatre without using a cheesy line — Kansas — Women testified that the creativity involved in creating an original line or the somewhat evident effort involved in Googling “good pickup lines” is a symbol of masculinity, not unlike the mating rituals of the animal kingdom.
  • Tickling a baby’s feet — Michigan — Several kidnappings were reported where middle-aged men in wife beaters started by tickling a baby’s foot then firmly grasping the infant by the ankle and running, often dragging strollers in their wake.
  • Tucking dollar bills into a stripper’s undergarments — West Virginia — Hospitals report multiple cases of HIV transmission via paper currency.
  • Noogies — Everywhere — This offense is now punishable by death for reasons of irrationally painful sensations, disheveled hair, and inconceivable stupidity on the behalf of the perpetrator.
  • Coaches slapping football players’ butts — Texas — Frankly, it’s just creepy.

About the Author

Jordan Villanueva
Jordan enjoys watching Lizzie McGuire reruns on Sundays while eating stale bread with his grandmother's ashes. They add a certain flavor similar to cardamom and not dissimilar to cumin. However, Jordan's favorite spice is actually nutmeg because it reminds him of long winter nights in Argentina. It was in Argentina where Jordan worked as a nude model at the Universidad de Buenos Aires. It was in Buenos Aires that he met the love of his life, Lolita, but she tragically left him to return to Canada. Broken-hearted, Jordan now devotes himself to his work with the Northwestern Flipside and his YouTube cooking show.

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