Daily Northwestern Uncovers Daily Northwestern Hazing Scandal

EVANSTON — In an all-revealing exposé, The Daily Northwestern has revealed the largest hazing scandal in the history of Northwestern University. This scandal, an unprecedented disgrace to a well-respected organization, threatens the reputation of the backbone of the Evanston campus—the culprit, The Daily Northwestern.

“Look, we just got bored, okay?” defended Managing Editor Evan Michaels. “Rush happened, what, a week ago? We still don’t have any good frat stories. It’s a Daily rule that we have to publish something negative about Greek life at least every twelve days, so we had to do something.”

Michaels assigned Medill sophomore Rachel Yu to debunk the first hazing scandal she could find. As a first year Daily reporter, her ongoing struggle with abusive initiation rituals were at the forefront of her mind. Michaels also assigned this article to Yu while paddling a row of freshmen, so she didn’t have to look far for evidence.

This report, a three page insert in yesterday’s issue of The Daily, chronicles the life of a first-year reporter. From paddles to keg-stands, boxing to nudity, and interviews with Mayor Tisdahl to covering Northwestern Football, it seems the directors of The Daily stopped at nothing to torture their newbies. Yu’s article also alleges that all reporters were required to join Twitter and follow all Daily-run accounts.

Editor-in-Chief Brent O’Hara explained, “When I read her article I considered not publishing it, but we can’t pass up an article this good. That’s what people want, right? More articles about hazing?”

Students were frustrated and commiserated across the city in some of the places that remind them of the glory days of The Daily Northwestern: The Keg of Evanston, Frontera Fresco, and various fraternity houses. The brothers of Tappa Tappa Keg expressed disappointment that they have now gone seventeen days without an article criticizing them.

“It’s just sad, you know?” lamented Weinberg Junior Isaac Lestrade. “We all love The Daily. It’s just such a big part of our day-to-day lives and it kills me to see them fall.”

Campus officials are currently reviewing The Daily’s daily publishing rights and are considering replacing it with another campus publication. Rumored front-runners include The Northwestern Flipside, Stitch, and those fliers from Freenters.

About the Author

Jordan Villanueva
Jordan enjoys watching Lizzie McGuire reruns on Sundays while eating stale bread with his grandmother's ashes. They add a certain flavor similar to cardamom and not dissimilar to cumin. However, Jordan's favorite spice is actually nutmeg because it reminds him of long winter nights in Argentina. It was in Argentina where Jordan worked as a nude model at the Universidad de Buenos Aires. It was in Buenos Aires that he met the love of his life, Lolita, but she tragically left him to return to Canada. Broken-hearted, Jordan now devotes himself to his work with the Northwestern Flipside and his YouTube cooking show.

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