EVANSTON – A report recently released by the Department of Education indicated that literally every single one of your friends is now on summer break while you are stuck in school. This shocking news has many implications that directly affect you as a Northwestern student. Mainly, everyone else is out having fun while you’re studying for that Orgo midterm.
Sources indicate that your friends are not just “having fun,” but also frequenting your favorite ice cream shop, having picnics at your favorite beach, and playing Frisbee in your favorite park.
These findings have been attributed to the fact that you were enticed by “a quarter system that allows you to take more classes and to diversify your studies.” All of your friends chose semester schools, to which you scoffed, “Northwestern is a way better school than that.”
“dude why tf arent u home yet?” inquired your best friend via text message. “were gettin hammered at [friend’s name]’s place tuesday u should come.”
Your friend went on to describe, in detail, the number of “baes” who have descended upon your hometown, eager to indulge in alcohol and sexual relations. He indicated that he is taking full advantage of the opportunities.
Once the fun is over, it will almost assuredly be revealed that all your friends got better jobs than you did for the summer. While they are working in law offices and filing papers for accountants, you are stuck doing street maintenance for the city. Bold predictions indicate your friends will tirelessly make fun of you for wearing that reflective orange vest all day.
UPDATE: Emerging statistics indicate your friends don’t give a shit about your midterm schedule.