After long, draining days of blowing off classes and clubs to watch Family Guy Youtube shorts and sleepless nights of blowing off homework to watch Family Guy Youtube shorts, I need a refresher to get me going again, and nothing does it quite like a Sarge dining hall grilled cheese. Something magical is in the air at Sarge (and I’m not talking about zaza) that turns two slices of white bread and kraft cheese into the ambrosia of the gods.

This morning, however, I was late to Sarge due to some difficulties with solving the New York Times crossword, the word which I’d forgotten being “ABRAMS,” in reference to the awesome tank, not the mid indie singer. DTC was starting in five minutes, and I saw a kindly old woman in front of me, her arthritic hand reaching for the last grilled cheese. The instincts kicked in, and I was powerless to stop them, like a pasty white man with a predator skull shirt in the LEGO aisle at Target. I pulled out my 3D printed Attack on Titan themed ghost glock and, using one of the flowers on her dress as a target, opened fire.

As it turned out, the woman I’d fired on was Mrs. Gertrude T. Studebaker, a combat nurse in Belgium, Korea, and her local mall during the cabbage patch kids craze. To my surprise, she had a metal plate which easily deflected the bullet. With everyone horrified and confused I jumped in to grab my cheesy prize, but my elderly tormentor was far from finished with me. With a swipe of her cane, I got a taste not of fake cheese but of fake wood flooring, and the old crone walked over to my helpless, unconscious body and took my rightly-earned sandwich from me! 

Life hasn’t gone well for me since. Both my classmates and NU administration bought Mrs. Studebaker’s woke nonsense that I was somehow in the wrong for all of this. They took to Fizz, calling me “The cracker who can’t get no cheese,” and made a hand-drawn Ghibli art rendition of my tripping. A new restraining order doesn’t allow me within 100 feet of the elderly, 3D printers, or grilled cheese sandwiches. Floral dresses give me PTSD. Worst of all, I missed DTC!

When Luigi Mangione used an unregistered firearm to shoot someone, the internet went wild for it, yet when I do the exact same thing in the exact same circumstances, I’m despised. I bet if I was hot none of you dipshits would’ve batted an eye. The moral of the story is that it’s you, and your vanity, to blame for this mess.