What weight should you be? This ever-salient question women around the world have debated since time immemorial, and men around the world have debated since Clavicular hit that guy with a Cybertruck last December. One might imagine two high-strung prehistoric mothers picking up differently sized baskets of acorns, idly deliberating the merits of weighing the same as each while they watch the mammoths roam by. As humanity has come no closer to consensus over these many years, we at Flipside have decided to settle the argument once and for all with this definitive list of the best weights.

1. 160 pounds

There are many factors to consider when picking your next weight, which is why a lot of people throw up their hands and settle for 160 pounds. You can be the first person on God’s green earth who has ever actively tried to be 160 pounds. 160 pounds is the Toyota Camry of weights. You can accomplish a great deal at 160 pounds.

• 600 pounds

While this may seem like an unconventional choice to many, this is — to our knowledge, which at Flipside is incomparably vast —the only weight on the list that automatically qualifies you for a television program. Do not squander this opportunity.

• 4 pounds

This is a very small weight, commensurate with that of a very small baby or a very large lobster. Awww. And omgggg. These are just some of the things I might say to you upon your attainment of this weight.

• The weight on your driver’s license

This is a number that you procured from thin air at the DMV. It is a fantastical, imaginary metric not predicated whatsoever upon reality.