Category Archives: Entertainment

For One Day, Trekkies Get to Be Cool

EVANSTON—Devoted fans of the Star Trek franchise, referred to informally as Trekkies, rejoiced yesterday as JJ Abrams’ critically acclaimed Star Trek prequel hit theaters last weekend. “Finally,” said local Trekkie Stephen Geary, “we Trekkies can get the respect we deserve.” He then made a “V” sign between his middle and ring finger and added, “Live long and prosper.” With hordes of moviegoers attending the new film, Trekkies have been able to share their knowledge of Trek trivia. “It’s great,” explained

Christian Bale Contemplating Suicide So He Can Get an Oscar, Too

HOLLYWOOD—Renowned actor Christian Bale, star of the two most recent Batman films, including 2008’s mega-hit The Dark Knight, released a press statement today in which he explained his will to die so that he can win an Academy Award for Best Actor. “I’ll make it look like an accident,” Bale said in his statement, “you know, jump out a window and make it look like I fell or something. That should get the Academy’s attention.” Bale’s co-star in The Dark

Self-Centered Loser Starts Own Facebook Fan Page

EVANSTON—If you haven’t listened to each of Barry Joshenstein’s songs 18 times yet, you must have zero taste in music. Just ask Barry himself. “My music is amazing!” said Barry. “It’s more catchy that the Beatles, more badass than Biggie Smalls, and more emotional than Death Cab, but much less wimpy. There is no way anybody can say anything bad about my stuff.” Joshenstein started his own Facebook fan page about a week ago to promote his music in an

Stephen Hawking One-Upped by Some Guy on Wheel of Fortune

LOS ANGELES—Stephen Hawking was given quite the stir earlier this week as his lead was robbed by some guy named Ted near the end of Wheel of Fortune. As Ted ventured on to accumulate even greater fortune in the Bonus Round, Stephen sat looking shocked and appalled, making guttural noises through his keyboard to express his frustration. “I never heard of this dude before, but he made it real hard for me to win” said Ted. “When he said he

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