Tag Archives: Shot

Freshman Point Guard Misunderstands Meaning of “Pregame”

EVANSTON—David Stephens, a highly touted freshman point guard, was reported as being “shocked and confused” by a pregaming event at Bobb last Friday. Stephens was invited to the party by his roommate, Jack Vineyard, “I figured, the dude’s an athlete,” Vineyard said, “I thought he’d understand what a pregame is. I couldn’t have been more wrong.” Stephens initially seemed exuberant upon hearing of the pregame. “I told Jack I just had to grab my ball and my bag and I’d

1859 EDITION ONLINE ONLY: Willie the Wildcat Mistakenly Shot, Seasoned, Enjoyed by Local Trapper

EVANSTON—Scholars and community members alike today mourn the death of Willy the Wildcat, Northwestern University’s beloved mascot. Willy, actually a thirty-five pound seven year old lynx, was shot dead early yesterday afternoon when famed trapper Mathias Weatherspoon set out to prepare something for dinner. “Dad always said, an animal with spirit is a well fed animal,” remarks Weatherspoon, 27, “and a well fed animal is worth the bullet.” According to university officials, a large cattle branding adorning its right hind