Kid With Beret Smoking Under Streetlight Tired of Accusations of Being French

EVANSTON – Auguste Rault has faced accusations of being French ever since he came to Northwestern University with a backpack full of baguettes and cigarettes in 2010. Rault, a sophomore French major, claims that this stereotyping is evidence of a culture of ignorance prevalent among “fat, American, spoiled” Northwestern students.

Rault, while moodily chain-smoking in the pouring rain, explained that people question him about whether he is French almost weekly.

“It’s almost as if a man can’t dwell on the meaninglessness of life without having accusations of being French,” Rault said, spitting on the ground. “C’est pathétique.”

He explained that he thought things would change from high school, where his peers merely thought he was homosexual. “I view this as offensive to the superior French culture, that I cannot stand here of my own accord and smoke. Americans, you know, they don’t think when they smoke, they’re always in such a hurry,” Rault said, gradually devolving into a thick Parisian accent.

The view that a person can’t stand condescendingly considering all culture around him to be intrinsically inferior without being accused of Frenchness is symptomatic of a corrupt and intrinsically inferior culture, said Rault.

“I curse you ignorant Americans,” added Rault, who, when asked where he was from, vaguely gestured, and remarked “east of here.”

Rault is willing to look on the bright side, though: “At least they don’t think I’m an English swine.”

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