EVANSTON – When prospective student Emma Huff arrived at the Office of Undergraduate Admissions for her campus tour, she was met with consternation and disapproval. The negative attention was only fuel for the fire inside this twisted and heartless soul.

Emma Huff wasn’t just another innocent student hoping to learn more about Northwestern. When she woke up that morning, Huff carefully selected the perfect outfit to make a statement to the Admissions staff. Her ultimate choice was a sweatshirt marked with profanity: University of Chicago.

“I wanted to show them that I’m different, y’know?” Huff told reporters. “Prove that they’ve never seen confidence like mine before, y’know? I think it worked.”

It did work, as a matter of fact. The receptionist at the Admissions Office was so shaken by the blatant disregard of cultural expectations that she quit her job for an easier and less stressful position as a card-swiper at the unfrequented Elder dining hall. Weinberg senior Julia Zorn, Huff’s tour guide, was so distracted she only reminded her group that Northwestern is a “world-class institution” eight times instead of the required nine. Current students Huff encountered fainted at the vicious display of impudence. The ones stronger of heart threw holy water at her to rid her of her satanical displays.

“I got them wrapped around my finger,” Huff laughed. “They don’t need to know that Northwestern is already my top choice. I just want to lead them on ‘til they’re throwing money at me and begging me to come here.”

Huff’s parents expressed approval of her bold statements and seemed convinced that her display of boldness along with her 900 SAT score would surely be enough to depict her conviction of character and her academic potential.