NU Updates Graduation Criteria, C’s No Longer Get Degrees

EVANSTON — The Northwestern Graduation Office recently passed a new bylaw stating that students who receive C’s will no longer receive a Northwestern diploma.

While students may take this to mean that C’s are unacceptable as the overall grade for a class, the Graduation Office has taken great care to clarify that any C at all is unacceptable. A student should not consider getting a C on a worksheet or reflection paper any more than a midterm or final, and students should definitely not make any excuses for themselves when it comes to receiving a 75 on a pop quiz. All of these are equally punishable offenses under this new bylaw.

The Graduation Office has also stated that students would do best if they simply omitted all C’s from their lives in order to avoid any tainted schoolwork. If students want to read more about this new policy, they should simply visit AESAR.

Students should keep in mind that C does include the whole range of C grades, so a C-plus is not any more acceptable than a C is not any more acceptable than a C-minus. All of these ensure failure in the real world of consulting and are not grades that any student of a Northwestern education would dare to receive.

Sororities and fraternities alike have now abandoned all other fundraising efforts in order to sell packs of tissues for $25 apiece outside of 1908 Sheridan and 619 Emerson, which students gladly accept in order to maintain the last shreds of their quickly disintegrating dignity.

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