Morty: New Athletic Facility Matters
Sources out of Morty’s office report that he has placed the new athletic facility at the top of his list of priorities, right above talking to rich white people who have a lot of money.
Category Archives: No. 177
Starbucks Changes Cup, ISIS Wins
Multiple reports out of Starbucks Headquarters have confirmed that as a direct result of Starbuck’s recent and controversial cup design, ISIS has won.
Stucker: Geese and the Subtler Forms of Geesism
Rhetoric on NU’s campus roils with a strong undercurrent of geesism.
Morty Frantically Invites All Minorities to Dinner Party
“It’s a completely normal thing I do every year, that I should do every year.”
Newt Gingrich to Find 17th Wife at Northwestern Event
Coming off the heels of his 16th divorce just last week, Gingrich is eager to get back in the game.
NU Updates Graduation Criteria, C’s No Longer Get Degrees
The Northwestern Graduation Office recently passed a new bylaw stating that students who receive C’s will no longer receive a Northwestern diploma.
Martin: “A Lannister Always Pays His Student Loan Debts”
Martin’s speech lasted approximately 15 minutes, with which he imparted words of wisdom such as “It’s the family name that lives on the building you donate. It’s all that lives on.”
Freshman Can’t Fall Asleep Without Soft Sounds of Roommate Masturbating
There’s something about it…I guess it soothes me.
Bienen to Offer Triangle Major
Those who intend to major can delve into classes such as “The Triangle in the Modern Rock Opera,” and “Classical Spanish Triangle Techniques.”
Area Student Not Really Feeling it This Quarter
“I was fine at the beginning, but now I’m just not into it anymore.”