Bienen to Offer Triangle Major

EVANSTON — The Bienen School of Music announced in a press conference earlier today the addition of a Bachelor of Arts in Triangle Performance. This follows in a recent trend of similarly prestigious music schools and conservatories adding programs for the perennially beloved instrument.

John Donaldson, the Dean of Bienen, was ecstatic to announce the news. “Frankly, it’s about time we started allowing our students to study in depth the triangle, which is truly the foundation of all percussion. I believe this will truly cement our school as one of the best music programs in the country.”

Although the program is being gradually unrolled over the remainder of this year, there are some class offerings for winter quarter. For non-majors, there is GEN_MUS 103 – 4: Triangle Appreciation. Those who intend to major can delve deeper into classes such as “The Triangle in the Modern Rock Opera,” and “Classical Spanish Triangle Techniques.”

Michelle Oriel, BSM ’16, felt bittersweet upon hearing the news. “Obviously this is the right call for Bienen and Northwestern as a whole. It’s just too bad that I’m already a senior, and I won’t be able to really take advantage of this amazing new major.”

Sources report that this is really a step in the right direction after a failed proposal for a kazoo major in 2013 was deemed “just downright silly.”

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Samuel Freedman
Sam was born on the top of Mount Kilamanjaro, because apparently Mount Everest wasn't feasible. He's currently training to be a licensed sherpa so that he can finally conquer Everest once and for all. In his free time, he is a freelance Rick Ross impersonator, specializing in kids' birthday parties. Despite his name, Sam is NOT a freed man. Sam killed both Abe Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. No one has seen him in broad daylight. Sam is also the foremost groupie of Iowa-based Heart tribute band Heart: A Tribute Band. A man of many talents, he hopes to one day help Heart: A Tribute Band play a concert on the top of Mount Everest that can be heard around the world.

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