Study: Everyone Best Friends with Their Roommates Except You

EVANSTON — A recent study released by the Northwestern University Psychology Department shows conclusively for the first time that everyone but you is friends with their roommate. The study goes on to explain that if you had not just messaged the first person in the Facebook class page who had the same dorm priority as you (Allison, then Willard, then Chapin, then Jones), you would most likely have been best friends with your roommate. As it stands, you find yourself stuck with leaving passive aggressive notes and walking back from the Deuce alone.

Marnie Lefferson of the Northwestern Department of Statistics recently compiled a meta-analysis of those RoomSurf questionnaires, interviews with your nosy RA, and analyses of dining hall cameras for those eating alone, and found that everyone is best friends with their roommates except you. “Your case was exceptional,” she says. “I’ve never seen such incompatibility between roommates.” The study, she says, also helps explain why you are the only one walking halfway across campus at midnight to see your friends and the only one still attending PA group reunions with any detectable level of enthusiasm. Or attending at all, for that matter.

When asked to describe her most revelatory findings, Lefferson described,” You were the only case in our research to be running alone on the treadmills in Blom instead of doing back-to-back warmup stretches with the roomie before Vinyasa Flow in SPAC. Additionally, you are literally the only student on campus who has ever sought out a hookup buddy just for the sake of sexiling your undesirable roommate.”

The study concludes by noting that you should question everything you ever knew and immediately enroll in a 300-level philosophy course in order to figure out what the fuck you are doing with your life.

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