Gambling Club Runs out of Funding, But They Don’t Have a Problem, Damnit
Expense reports made available by the university this past weekend show that Gambling Club has run out of funding, but they don’t have a problem, damnit.
“Look, it’s just a bit of bad luck, but when the water level’s low, you know the tidal wave is coming soon. We just need like $500 spotted and this club will pay out, guaranteed,” reported club president and failing statistics major, Bobby Fletcher.
This not the first time the Gambling Club has been in hot water. Last year the organization was investigated for allegedly registering Willy the Wildcat in illegal back-alley cat fighting tournaments. Said one shady figure at the time: “These NU kids have brought total shame to the name of back-alley animal-cruelty-based gambling.”
It’s been reported that various large men in suits carrying baseball bats have been hanging outside the club’s weekly meeting place, but the group has issued a statement not to worry. “Look, see this lanyard around my neck? I won it at an AEPi raffle last week. We gotta ride this hot-streak” said Fletcher, while scratching his way through a foot-high stack of dollar store lottery tickets.
The Gambling Club has been trying to raise funds in a variety of methods, from bake sales, to phone-a-thons, to asking strangers for 2-1 odds on what color sweater vest Morty will wear the next day.