New Student John Wilkes Booth Suspiciously Good at “Assassins”

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics.

“He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this crazy look on his face. And he shouted ‘Thus always to tyrants!’ right afterwards. I wasn’t really sure what his deal was.”

Booth’s next target is unknown, but reports have surfaced of the new student muttering something about a play being shown at Shanley Pavilion this weekend. It is rumored that an important figure will be attending that play, a very important figure indeed.

Anna Stevenson is one of the remaining females left. She plans to stay near a safe zone at all times. “My plan is simple, if I can stay in Willard cafeteria at all hours of the day, I can’t lose. The only problem is I can’t find any clean socks. I’ll just have to use the ones I’ve been wearing for three or so days now.”

Other students were taking a different angle on Booth’s killing spree. “Killing a lot is he? Well I’ll just have to ramp up my total, now won’t I?” said University of Texas-Dallas transfer Lee Harvey Oswald. “Will I have an accomplice? Maybe…or maybe not. Maybe I’ll have three! Game on, good sir, game on!”

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