Tag Archives: Willard

BREAKING: Mayor Tisdahl Received Campaign Donation from Ghost of Francis Willard

Flipside Exclusive! EVANSTON – Reports indicate that Mayor Tisdahl has received a large sum of campaign donations from the ghost of renowned prohibitionist Francis Willard over the past few years. Leaked internal documents shows that Willard, lobbying on behalf of the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, has provided thousands of dollars for Tisdahl’s campaign. Tisdahl has denied that her rigid stance against drinking, brothels and happiness was influenced by the donations. “I have always fought hard for the peace and safety

Willard Residents Stop Showering for Month of February to Win Green Cup

EVANSTON — Willard residents have decided to take drastic measures in order to retain their title as the “Greenest Dorm (With a Dining Hall) on Campus” from the Green Cup last year. Most notably, all Willardites will forgo showers for the entire month of February to win the prestigious title in 2011. “Not showering for a whole month is really going to help secure our victory,” said Willard president Jackson Drapple. “Not to mention that it’s been proven that not taking

New Student John Wilkes Booth Suspiciously Good at “Assassins”

EVANSTON—Transfer student John Wilkes Booth has been on an “Assassins” rampage lately, “killing” six targets last night with surprising cunning and skill. As the game comes down to its final players, many are calling Booth the favorite because of his sneak tactics. “He just came out of a supply closet and hit me right between the eyes,” said Shmabraham Shmincoln, one of Booth’s victims. “It was really creepy, now that I think about it. The whole time he had this