Theta Sophomore: “No one has fertilized my crops in two hours”

EVANSTON—Alarmed when she realized that she had neglected her plants on the Facebook application “Farmville,” Weinberg junior Mary Kate’s frustrated screams were taken out-of-context after being heard in the quad.

“No one has fertilized my crops in two hours!” Kate shouted angrily.

A member of Phi Mu Alpha (Northwestern’s music fraternity) happened to be walking by the Theta house when he heard Kate’s exclamation. He quickly posted the quote as his Facebook status, starting a snowball effect that quickly lost control.

Kate’s friend-with-benefits, Sean Fonnylee, a Communication sophomore and a member of Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity, quickly caught wind of the swirling rumors. Although he tried to deny any romantic involvement with Kate, his fraternity brothers quickly ratted him out.

“I don’t get why she wanted a baby so badly,” said Fonnylee’s friend Brad Fifer. “But I could understand why Sean wouldn’t. Babies are the biggest bro-haters ever.”

Then, the shocking truth was revealed.

“It’s not that I don’t want to have a baby,” Fonnylee said. “I can’t.”

At the age of 18, Fonnylee was allegedly involved in a freak accident with a riding mower, a pop bottle and DVD that left him sterile. Kate released a statement to the Daily Northwestern claiming the debacle was all just a misunderstanding, but the damage was already done.

Fonnylee recently went public with the information that his deformed genitals and sterility were the result of an intense hazing ritual inflicted upon him as a Sig Ep pledge.

“They did awful things to us—unspeakable things. It was terrible, but it was so worth it. I mean, I’m fucking a Theta and I can raw-dog it.”

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