‘Snooki’ Denied Role as Oompa Loompa in Wonka remake

JERSEY SHORE—Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, a cast member of MTV’s popular reality series “The Jersey Shore,” has been denied a role in the Broadway remake of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, after much speculation. Casting directors, who have already picked Rosie O’Donnell for the role of Augustus Gloop, stated that Snooki was just “too orange and too short.”

Being denied a callback has been rough on Snookers, particularly since she received the rejection letter just hours after Ron “Ronnie” Magro agreed to play the role of Machamp in Pokemon on Ice! Furthermore, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio is reportedly slated to play the role of Goku in the Off-Broadway rendition of Dragonball Guido. Meanwhile, in an effort to give back to the community, Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino has teamed with Home Depot to give home supplies to the impoverished in a program dubbed “Tools from Tools.”

Sources tell the Flipside that the increased presence of cast-members outside their breakout show has boosted ratings immensely. MTV responded in a statement that their producers are ecstatic about the increased popularity, as well as their recent potty-training.

Snooki, however, has not reacted so pleasantly. “When I heard the phone quack, I just knew it was bad news,” stated Snooki. The guidette’s fake tan ran as tears dripped down her face. “Why do they, like, get to do everything when I am so hot?” she continued. “It’s like a punch in the face.”

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