CULPEPPER, VA—Parents in the Culpepper County school system have called for a ban of Anne Frank’s erotic novel, The Diary of a Young Girl: The Definitive Edition. Based on the accounts of a young Jewish girl, the book contains some of the Frank’s most sexually explicit thoughts. Reportedly, a passage made mention of the female reproductive organ, which Frank refers to as a “vagina.” Naturally, this raised major concern among parents whose children attended the district’s schools.

“My daughter is only thirteen,” explained Jane Brown, a local church secretary. “She is far too young to know what a ‘vagina’ is, let alone that babies come out of there. And to say that a man could ‘get in there?’ Awful! If my daughter reads this, she will surely lose her chastity.”

Anne Frank’s novel has also come under fire for its apparent “lack of quality.” Conservative lobbyists have criticized Frank’s work for a lack of character development and plot structure. Citing slow rising action and shallow characters, a spokeswoman for Christian Mothers for Quality argued that the novel scarcely stands up next to classics like the Bible or the Left Behind series. The story has also been criticized as “too unrealistic.” Said the CMQ spokeswoman, “It would be a much more powerful text if readers could believe a girl would actually hide in an attic because of some fantasized ‘Nazi’ party and a completely fabricated racial purification movement.”

School officials responded to pressure, and immediately removed the illicit texts from library shelves. Explained one assistant principal, “If the book had more redeeming qualities, I might have let it slide. But it’s all smut. Did you know she’s a lesbian?” Administrators have offered a censored alternative. In the new version, all sexuality is wisely replaced with Christian values. Anticipating possible uproar over violent content, editors also removed the Holocaust from the text. Said the editor, “We want the book to retain its purpose, not to be clouded by pornography.”