UChicago Sends Rejected Applicants “Congratulation” Letters

CHICAGO—Often found fantasizing about what life would be like if he got into his college of choice, Stanford University, area high school senior Sam Nix was pleasantly surprised when he visited his mailbox Tuesday afternoon. It did not contain a letter from the private school in Palo Alto, CA, but a big packet was waiting from the University of Chicago.

Largely unknown to commoners, this university is credited to starting nuclear warfare (and is subsequently blamed for the failure of worldwide nuclear disarmament). Residing in the “hearty” south side of Chicago, the University of Chicago has recently furthered its rather “uncommon” application.

Nix nearly fainted among glancing at the envelope. It had the word “Congratulations” written in bold. “My parents made me apply there,” said Nix. “I went on a tour there. I can only describe it as a black hole of emotion. I left campus joyless, pale, and trembling.”

Fortunately for Nix, the enclosed letter informed him of his rejection. “I was so relieved,” added Nix. “The thought of hanging out with UChicago kids for four years wanted to make me enlist in the army.”

Starting this year, only rejected applicants will receive the big congratulation envelopes. Accepted applicants will receive small, discrete letters. “We thought we’d change our notification system this year,” a UChicago admissions officer told The Flipside. “Too many students were disappointed when they opened our congratulation letters to find that they had been accepted. This new system is more appropriate given the overwhelmingly common emotional response.”

It will be some time before he hears back from Stanford, but Nix hasn’t taken his UChicago rejection harshly. “Regardless of where I end up, I know I’ll still be sane four years from now.”


  • The Man

    Wow, I’m surprised. When I got my Northwestern acceptance letter, I thought I was a bad human being – one of those judgmental scum-of-the-earth types who look like moles, think only about how much everyone in Chicago wants to suck his dick, doesn’t truly enjoy academics (only making money), and goes to frat parties in basements instead of real frats – while drinking wine or some fruity shit instead of real beer. I was sure I’d become one of those stuffy elitists who can’t back it up with quotes from Greek Classics. Then I got into Uchicago, experienced a real frat, and decided I’d go where kids who want to make money make way more than Northwestern kids do on Wall Street, the girls who are hot aren’t total prunes, kids drink real beer and hook up all the time, Tucker max went, people actually enjoy academics, and everyone’s probably the smartest in town but no one gives a fuck about pretensions. Yes, with my acceptance letter from Uchicago, I could pursue real economics, make shittons of money (like my ibanker friends who make 700k four years after graduation – because their just that good at it), study the classics, philosophy, and mathematics the way they were meant to be studied, and come out not being a total prick.

  • Slick rick

    7:50 p.m., Monday, October 11 – On a main quadrangle sidewalk near Cobb Hall (5811 S. Ellis) – A University student was approached by three males who grabbed the victim around the neck, demanded and took an i-Pod and wallet and fled on foot. The victim declined medical attention.

    University Police will increase the police presence on the Main Quad.

  • Greatest Ever

    Wait, what happened to that big rock of yours last year?

    Expect more of that soon.

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